I know it shouldnt bother me, but I feel like stomping around pouting, kicking things, and venting our my frustrations in a loud angry and somewhat childish voice.

  Crissy got married last month:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/mantis180/Family%20Pics/2stmemcard097.jpg
  Not as big of a big deal, she never was very fond of me, and I think she viewed me as a sort of nuisance and a pain in her ass that she would rather not deal with- I think part of her may have been pissed off at my mom for having me so young or something... she never really liked me. So it didnt bother me that she got married without a single word to me.

  It did how ever bother me this THIS
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/mantis180/Family%20Pics/CopyofBeckyJohnswedding262a.jpg
  Took place without a word to me.
  Becky viewed me as her first daughter her best friend and he favorite niece, and I always viewed Becky as some sort of strong and powerful woman who kicked ass and was my favorite person on the planet.

  But did it do me any good after the whole bullshit with Crissy and Susan? No... cause she never called or wrote or anything that she was supposed to do. She never cared to.
  And then she went and got married to a man who I had already researched before she even married him- I looked into him online and found out where he worked and all that shit because I am a psycho stalker girl- and I dont even know him but I liked him more then Jeff
But she didnt call to tell me she was getting married
or to invite me to the wedding
Or even just say "Hey Ash I miss you."

  She walked the hell away. And I miss her and cant believe she could.

  Dad didnt want me writing to her or calling her or anything. So I didnt. But when i move out... I probably will.

  I told Justin that when I get engaged I am driving to Texas and seeing her face to face to hash out this bullshit. Because she got married without telling me, but I am going to tell her if and when i get married.

  I had a dream about it, only I was pregnant "I have a dot" It's maddening. And I miss her. And its not fair.

  Came back negative. I'm perfectly fine. One stressful situation down. 2 more to go.

  Ok so one if I don't be over dramatic. But I despise getting blood taken so no doubt, I will be anyway.

  Next monday I go back to Sonora for labs, and then Wednesday morning I head over to Valley View and they take out my tonsils... first thing in the morning... Im not sure if Im happy about this or not.

  Also- my books came. All of them. The Criminology book is perfect. Exactly what I had in mind, and the Computer book is beyond perfect, practically new, and full of very informative pictures and little diagram thingies... yeah... I need stuff laid out in diagrams... and I am not ashamed to admit it!
  But my friggin Psychology book is litterally a school book, meant to be used with a teachers lessons, so although it might be informative, it's not what I had in mind, and the damn information on the damn thing said it was a good text book, not study guide... >.<

  And of course the Kama Sutra and other book I ordered >.> I am a dirty minded person, but I find them insightful so far so hehe... I cant wait to come up with some new story idea's with the books help- my Viking Teddy Bear friend give me a spurt of inspiration, so I might do some work tonight.

  I've been trying to put in some more time on Angel, as well as learn the guitar, and read these Chinese books I have... I'm trying to broaden my thought process and grow as a person... *Sigh* Right... well... you get the idea.

  Anyway Im roasting my ass off- the top 100 sweatest cities list was all wrong. Pheonix may be sweaty (it was #1) but Bullhead is about 10-15 degrees hotter then Pheonix on most days.

 Alexz Johnson always has the perfect way to put stuff... Im pasting the lyrics from her new song in here so I wont have to go hunt them up later:


  So yeah... I dig the song.

  I haven't done a proper update in a while, and I really guess I need to. Stuff has happened, and shit's gone down, and we all know that my LJ is the place I have to purge it out at. Plus I don't want to leave any of my stalkers in the dark (Just kidding!)

  Meh, right now I'm feeling slightly sick to my stomach, and I'm not sure if the Mountain Dew is to blame, or the fact that I'm just naturally a sickish person :P

  Ok so Ana... I started writing about this the night I got drunk with my mom, and it was massively messy to where I back spaced through it all.
  The entire situation is massively messy to be honest, to where... even I couldn't clean it on my most neat freakish day.
  She's pissed off at me, and she hates me I think- I said quite a few really mean things, that I feel vaguely justified in saying because I called it like I saw it.
  The truth is, I was being a shitty friend, as she said, but the truth on my end was that I couldn't find it in me to be a non-shitty friend.
  She doesn't think she's different, and she doesn't think there's a reason for me or Tom or anyone to be weird around her, but the truth is, she is massively different.
  I know she went through a lot of shit with Adam, and I know she's in a position that puts her under a lot of stress and strain, and really I tried to be there for her. In the begining she seemed like she had it all under control, and she was the boss, and knew what she was doing and fuck anyone else who got in her way, and I was beyond proud of her. This was my little Kitten all grown up and taking charge in the world and doing what she needed to do.
  I know we weren't ever the same, after 2006 there was a strain on our friendship, but I still tried to confide in her about everything, and I still tried to be there for her.
  She was right though, I did get iffy when she talked about Ryan... I didn't mind so much, I just didn't know how to react, sometimes when she talked about him, I felt like a deer in the head lights, she was waiting for a reaction out of me, and I really just felt indifferent towards him.
  She talked about Adam and I was there for her, I was all like, ready to kick his ass, and be the "dont mess with my girl" type of best friend, and I was ok in that mode, I was ready to take ol' penis face on... but... I don't think she really wanted me there either.
  And Amber... fuck I could never be supportive where that girl was concerned. I tried, I tried to be nice, and give advice, i tried to be mean and Tell her straight up, I tried everything I could think of... and she had her own plans, and they all seemed to involve fucking her life up and disrupting the people around her.
  And Ana was ok with that! She was angry at me for stepping in and trying to help, she didn't want me to do the thing I had always done, the thing I thought of as my personal job... she didnt want me watching out for her, and trying to be her defender protector person like I had always been when we were younger...
  But then I guess, to Ana, Amber wasn't as evil a dragon as Corin... But then I figured Ana was a big girl, she could take care of her own problems, and she was probably mad at me because she had her own plans for Amber... but I was wrong, because they were right back to hanging out again.
  And me... I wasn't the best friend anymore. Ryan was the best friend. Ana wasn't even around any more and when she was all she had to say were stories about her recent exploits with Ryan, which always led me to believe she had just been with him.
  She says I am still stuck in 2006 and thinking about how bad and wrong she was and did and her and Ryan always up to shit.
  But this is the girl who only 6 months ago was crying on the phone because she thought Ryan and put a spell on her to disrupt her life and mind constantly.
  And this is the girl who said she was forever stuck in that Winter.
  And this is the girl who used to be my whole world aside from Maxx. The only female on the planet I would have turned into a lesbian for. Honestly... Weeds actress aside, it was all Ana...
  But these last few months... shes been so differeent, so angry, so snappish, so pissed off at me all the time, as though I ruined something important for her.
  I think maybe it was Justin. When I said he told me he wanted to marry me, that seemed to be her breaking point.
  And she did break, she went insane on me, and told me stuff I never knew, about how she had loved him and wanted to be with him, and try to give it a go with him, and how the reason she set me and him up in the first place was simply so that she could have a chance to talk to him more.
  To me this basically screams "I used you to get to him." But she claimed it wasn't like that. To Justin I guess it screamed the same thing. He asked me why I was still allowing myself to be drawn into her games.
  And he was right...
  I listened to her when Toby came, and then I talked to Toby after he left. Their stories don't match. And while I dont think Toby would lie, I don't want to think Ana would lie, so rather then try and figure it out, I walked away from it. But from an outsiders point of view, she practically chased him out of New Hampshire. Though he did say she was perfectly normal up till the last few days.
  And Tom... the Prom... the stories never add up. With her, her story never adds up with anyone elses.
  I just... she changed so much, and she was so angry at me in the end, I couldn't bring myself to be what she wanted me to be, in fact I couldnt even figure out WHAT she wanted me to be. And I couldn't go against my nature to do it either.
  She rubbed Cody in my face, she rubbed the sex in my face, and she knew how I felt about it, she knew how much i regretted it and how much it hurt me to have done it at all with him turning around and doing what she did. She called me "Misshassexwithoutacondom" but then again... how did James come into the picture.
  And she tells me, "You would do the same thing in my position." But... I would never ben in her position, I know she thinks me saying that is me saying Im better then her or something, but really, it's simply that I know better, and I wouldn't get with a guy like Adam, who has more problems then probably all of Ana's friends put together.
  And I raised Maxx when I was 13- with less help from my parents then she gets from hers- and she says I could never do what she did... I was 6 years younger then her and taking care of a new born while my parents worked so they could afford to feed us. I did what I had to do, but I wondered if she was really doing what she had to do.
  There was just too much. And it was all fucking bad. So I walked away. And sue me... I walked away from a relationship that was hurting both of us... isn't it better this way? We cant be angry with eachother we can't fight with eachother I dont have her saying shit to me that has a double meaning and leaves me wondering if shes pissed at me.
  It's all just better. *Sighs*

  So like... 2 weeks after we celebrated out 5 year anniversary... I said goodbye. *Sigh again* It really was better this way...

 
  And... I havent really spoken to Cody at all in the last few days. For which I'm greatful. I feel like part of me is hiding out, but at the same time, much like with Ana "Its just better this way."


  Justin and I spend every night talking. Yesterday this huge thing came up... like massive. He said he would have the money to come down in August and wanted me to talk to my parents about him coming.
  My dad and mom both love Justin like he's a son who lives far away- they like him in the same way they liked Ana 3 years ago. Part of the family.
  But August is such bad timing... and it breaks my heart. So my dad promised he could come when we're in vegas. Asked him to postpone it for a few months, cause then when we're in Vegas I can at least take him and show him everything and let him have a really good time, plus then he could stay longer. And he likes that fact but he doesnt like having to wait longer. I told him we've known eachother for years, a few more months aint gonna hurt anything.
  He is making me a picture frame. Another one actually because he made one in the wood working shop at the high school but it was stolen out of the locker he had put it in. So he was all sad and his now determined to make another. And apparently bigger then the first one. I can't help but laugh, cause he's so determined and it's the sweetest thing a guy has ever done for me. He even made a design with roses and vines and stuff on it... and... I swear when I see it I will probably cry. No guy has ever made me something before besides my father.
  Justin wants to date me. *Sigh* last night he told me he loved me, and I said I loved him too, and he said "Like really really? Like with everything?" And I said, "I love you. Just... that." And he wanted to know how... and what it was for me, because I have made jokes about being single and messing around and enjoying the freedom. And I told him straight up- I mess around with some guys online, but... everyone knows I have no interest in dating anyone so its all on even footing. And he wanted to know who but I refused to tell him... he said that he doesnt do that with other girls, online, on the phone, or even in person... because I am the only one he wants.
  It makes me feel guilty in a way, and I tell him not to be like that, and to date and enjoy himself. I don't want to date, and I dont want to be commited. And part of me wonders if the reason i hold Justin back like that is because he's the last good guy I know, and I worry if I date him, he'll be ruined. Something will go wrong and I'll no longer have him as my best friend and comrad. And so I tell him I do not want to date, and I do not want to have phone sex with him or be with him like that. And he accepts it... but I still feel liek Im holding him back
  He's the only guy who truly has a grip on my heart... I love him completely... he's been... everything to me, and so much more, and he's wonderful... I just don't want to go there. With anyone. Not Angelo to pressed me for it. Not Tom who is already acting like I'm his again. No one... I wouldn't even do it for Tanner, who- it is well known I have always had a massive thing for. Im just not doing it again for a long long time.

  I made a new friend yesterday... it was possibly the most unexpected thing in the world, I was googling the word "Voluptuous" under images, and it brought up a beautiful scetch of this very curvacious woman- and I was just like... "Wow..." And staring at it, and I saw it could leave a comment, so I did, and it linked through my LJ username, but I didnt figure it mattered. And I closed the box and went back to my image searching. It started with Anime girls, and then I was thinking I needed something a little more specific, and to be honest I cant even remember WHY I was looking for the pictures...
  But then I got an email yesterday when I went online, and it was from a guy named Sean Patty, and at the bottom it had a "Publishing" thing, his signature was all official looking, and he wrote to say he loved my poetry, he even quoted one I wrote a few years ago, and I just stared, thinking maybe it was one of those things I did a couple years back where I submitted a poem for a contest- I did have a couple of those thingies, where they published one of my poems in a book, but they wanted me to pay 30 dollars to buy the whole book... I never understood that- but I wondered if the email was one of those type of deals, so I wrote back asking who it was, and then he wrote back saying he was sorry for not saying earlier, but that I had commented his picture- and then we went back and forth pretty much all day.
  The last time I emailed with someone so much was Mark... it was kinda interesting. He's an amazing artist, his style is so much like Frank Frazetta's that I just sorta stare at it, much like I used to with Frazetta's pieces... all like O.O
  Apparently it's impressive that I even know who Frazetta is... and Sean digs my poetry, and we went back and forth about books and poetry and all kinds of stuff all day. It was awesome. I haven't talked to anyone like that in... well hell... I cant remember how long!
  But I enjoyed it. He's a little up in years, but his art and sense of humor make up for that I guess :P (Im kidding... kinda) And he has smiling eyes like Edward Norton... Hehe, I always notice the strangest things. Plus he calls me kiddo... which is... again something new. I remember being so pissed off because Tanner called me Kiddo or Kid or something... but I dont mind when Sean does it. I'm interesting like that.
  But yay for new friends. The last time I met someone new I threatened to take out his heart and put it in a jar on my dresser... course it was Brandon... and he asked me if I was blonde... and even Justin went "Oooh she's gonna hurt you." And I was half asleep so it wasnt my fault. That is my story and I'm sticking to it.

On Tuesday I have to go to the Doctors office, I find out about my blood work, and do the papsmear and all that friggin bullshit... I am not looking forward to it, especially because three hours after that I go back to Dr. Brown so he can prepare me for NEXT week when I again have to go back... Im getting my tonsils taken out. And Im scared to death about it, like even more then the blood work... but all my health problems are to do with my tonsils, and last Tuesday when I went in to discuss it with him what I should do to stop getting sick, he looked in my mouth for about half a second and said immediately, "Those have to come out."
  Apparently my tonsils are filled with infection that will never go away, and that is why they have to come out, because no matter what I do, the infection won't go away, even when I feel sick, and that is why when I DO get sick it always goes straight to strep throat, which I recently learned is NOT actually strep throat...Its just viral infection... Dr. Brown was completely flustered that I still had them at all and that they hadnt been taken out when I was a child or even 4 years ago when I did start getting sick all the time.
  So out they must come. And hopefully this is me saying goodbye to most of my sickness problems. Besides, it's not like it helps having infection in my body at all times... *Blink* Still nervous tho. Like... massively nervous... like... "I WANT MY TEDDY BEAR" type nervous... cept Croaky is a frog not a bear... but you get the idea...

  And then this morning dad told me he was wondering about moving to Reno instead of Vegas and I went back to Google and started looking up Reno... It's green... and it has seasons... and I think its perty... and I am so fucking sick of this fucking desert!!!!! *Growls*
  But then dad and I talked, and part of why we left Prescott was because of the cold, and even though it only snowed once... it snows more in Reno... so bad for everyones health and all that. We are a sickly family... but damn I miss seasons... and tree's.,.. and nature... fuck.
  Sorry, just the flat dry ass brown desert place is starting to drive me insane... like I think of Justin's house with longing and burning desire to move to like... Oregon or... Washington... somewhere flipping Green as hell. I miss my green :(

  Fuck this thing is long... Ok I am going to go do my stuff and try and finish typing up some pieces of my story, so that it can be done for later tonight when I really am ready to work on it... and... yeah... so thats it. Bye ^_^
   

ashley white: So now Im single again, and want to stay that way and everyone wants to date me
ashley white: Including Cody again
ashley white: *Sigh*
dukenukem98_98: lol
dukenukem98_98: why stay single
dukenukem98_98: i thought you had a need
ashley white: I have a need
ashley white: I have two needs
ashley white: A physical need
ashley white: And an Emotional need
ashley white: And they both need opposite shit
dukenukem98_98: yup
ashley white: Emotional wants to have some time to gather itself and stop feeling so hurt and banged up and shattered all the time- and physical wants to have endless hours of meaningless sex
dukenukem98_98: meaningless sex
ashley white: Sadly the only person Physical would trust itself to be with physically and unattatchedly is in Canada...
dukenukem98_98: why would anyone want that
ashley white: So they're both fucked
ashley white: A person who doesnt want to fall in love or develope attatchments
dukenukem98_98: inattatchedly??
ashley white: Dont make fun of my words

My mom: Ashley, you are buzzzed.

Me: I am not buzzed, I am just am intresting and unique indivodual.

My mom: Riiiight....

Me: *Crosses eyes and sticks out tonfue while flipping her off.


  The end result of the night- mom pulled my hair- me pulling her hair and knocking her on her ass and then shoving her over to assert my ... erm... my assertiveyness! Yeah... Im the boss... and no one first ses my own drunken state against me to beat me at black jack and then pulls my har!

  Ok... so um... hehe I didnt lie to Tom when i said I could type just fine when buzzed... ^_^


  So lets see... Ana no more.

  And Im getting rid of my negative crap...

  And Im ummmm maybe I should write this when I have the brain copacity to rant?

Love to the maasses!

  I liked Sweeny Todd... XD

  But loud ass rock music and some icy cold Pina Coladas?
 
  Sadly the loud ass rock music is more like moody ass morose "I wish I was the scuicidal type" kind of music, and the pina coladas... are... well actually they are pretty good.
  My fear of turning into my mother keeps me from drinking as often as I would like- but my desire to numb my brain causes me to open another one.

  Cody and I haven't had a decent conversation yet, in which our getting back together wasn't brought up. I act normal and like everything is peachy keen, he follows suit for a while and then... well then its there, looming over the conversation like a rain cloud, and then... well fuck. He brings it to the fore front, says his piece. I remind him again that I will not and cannot go there again, and why- and then we go our seperate directions.
  Part of me wishes he had stayed with Kellie.
I'm turning into a harsh cold bitch, and I really don't care. I have so much crowding my brain lately that the only thing to do is just hermit it up until I can come to my own conclusions. And fuck trusting what anyone else says anymore- theres only like... 2 or 3 people I can actually trust. Just... my own conclusions.
  And so I am way cruel to Cody, and even though I can hear his voice in my head, and I can almost see his eyes that night... I tune it out and remember how that sickening crunch hurt when my heart cracked all over again. Thank you Will for giving me the ammo to be a cold hard bitch.
  You know Jet has a song called Cold Hard Bitch? It's actually a good one too...

  So Angelo told me tonight he is practicing Commitment with me. I am like... a trainer girlfriend without the actual commitment- apparently he is trying to teach himself monogamy while he is single, so that when he gets in a relationship it will be second nature- as opposed to his ever-there desire to be with any girl that comes along. I just think it's funny as hell he's chosen me. Maybe because I told him I wouldnt date him... the male species is funny.

  Justin and I talked all evening. He taught me how to read... tablature or whatever it is called- for the guitar. I want to learn a song and then play it for him. Sounds weird I know- but he would be psyched I think.
  I think its funny, pretty much every time we talk we do, at some point discuss guns, sniper rifles, shot guns, hand guns, and all the stats for Syphon Filter. I have created a monster when it comes to this video game. It makes me laugh, but seriously, he's like... addicted in a mad insane sort of way.
 
  Ana got weird this afternoon a bit... about Justin I guess. I think... I don't know. We've been at odds lately... *Sigh*

  Ok thats it, I cant even remember my whole point of this little vent fest. Goodnight.

  Did you ever find yourself looking at something, that caused you pain- an ache so deep you could feel it in the bottom of your soul, festering, and eating away at you, simply because of what you were looking at.... but you still couldn't stop yourself from looking?

  I am at that point. I am tired. And I am cranky. And I am past my limit of patience, understanding, or willingness to be... understanding and patient.

  I went for the blood tests today- they drew the blood and sent me on my way. I've come to the point where I honestly dont think I have anything. I didnt see anything nasty swimming around in the little tubey things, and I think, as is, chances are slim. I'm hoping this upbeat optimistic attitude will help me through the coming week, so I can handle it all with at least a shred of dignity.

  I fucked up. Pure and simple. I slept with a guy, however breif the moment was- without protection. And yes I fucked up, and now Im paying for that one small short moment of pleasure with gut wrenching worry, and loss of appatite- you know the best way to lose weight- be informed something incredibly nasty could be wrong with your health. Works wonders.

  One bright side- my period came yesterday. I'm definitly not pregnant. Congratulate me. Now if everything else can work itself out.

  Cody and I got into it last night. He broke things off with Kellie. And I warned him not to do something stupid like that because of me cause we weren't going down that road again. But he tried to breech that subject twice yesterday- and each time with the same opening, "Ashley is there anyway I can redeem myself."
  Redemption is the last thing he needs to worry about. As it seems his brain didnt catch up to what I was laying down, I spelled it out for him- if I have something- it's possible it wasnt from Cody- it might be from Stephan- and if Stephan gave me something- theres a chance I gave it to Cody. Thats guilt I don't like and shit I don't want to deal with- but it's there and it's a possibility. Sure as hell shut Cody up for a while.
  But he brought it up again later. And I went off on him. He kept saying that he loved me, that he always loved me, and more then he could even understand, but it was there. And how Kellie was a mistake- how when he was with her all he could think about was me- and how when she would call him during the day he would get off the phone and have to choke back tears because he missed me.
  I told him thats all well and good- he seemed sincere and all. But the fact was he still hooked up with her 20 minutes of telling me we were through.  And he still slept with her the next day. Yeah we all make mistakes. but... he didnt have much caring or respect for me on his mind when he slept with her. And he said it was like 2 minutes and he faked and orgasm... Guys cant fake an orgasm, that's just silly.
  But... I went off on him. Told him he showed very little respect in me, or my body or what I offered him- and he didn't seem like he really did care all that much- and the only way he was gonna have me in his life was as a friend, because i had no interest in being anything more to anyone. Esp not him right now.
    There was extreme silence. And then we got off the phone.


  You know I can tell all this shit to Karen and Justin and they get it. They understand. Cody... doesnt. I mean today I almost broke down on Justin cause of all this testing, and being sick and the stress I feel, and how stupid I feel, and how when I look at my dad- I know he isnt looking at me the same way anymore, and it's driving me up a fucking wall. And Im like... ready to break down on the one hand- but on the other- I dont give a fuck anymore. There's only so far my stress levels can reach.

  Justin... we sat on the phone and talked about whatever for an hour or two- and then he went to bed- he called me back 2 or 3 hours later because he woke up and couldn't go back to sleep- said he kept thinking about me because he'd woken from a dream that we were chillin on the couch watching TV. And I teased him about what we were doing exactly, and he said he was serious- we were just watchin a movie and cuddling.
  And then Maxx, who is sitting on the other side of the room starts saying, "Oh you know the boy loves you, dont act surprised!" And then saying how everyone knows he loves me, even mom! And if a guy is dreaming about me it means he loves me... Shes 7 and shes flippin cute as hell- but... Justin saying "Shes right I do!" Just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside :P

  Justin is like a seperate species of male altogether. He's like... the supreme species, and adorable and sweet and... Meh I just love him loads. Sometimes I wonder... like the whole marriage talk stuff, and the other day... when I cut him off and said mom said we couldnt have sex, and he said he didnt want to- at least not right away because with me- he'd want it to be special... I just... I've known Justin forever, and yeah he's like the biggest flirt, but he has his serious side too... and it just freaks me out all to hell when his serious side comes out while he's telling me he loves me or whatever.
  He knows about the whole Cody thing... he knows how lost I am on the subject, and he stands by me through the whole mess. He's my best friend... *Sigh* I dont know...


  Today I was sitting in the parking lot of the gas station watching some guy fill his tank (And no that is not a dirty metaphore) and thinking about how I never really allow myself to enjoy guys. I mean yes, I have my boyfriends- but if you think about it, they have all been lacking in one way or another. And I have my friends, and they're all good looking as hell- but thats why they are just friends- because I know with those looks comes an ego. Justin has an ego- but I take it on myself to deflate it from time to time, so it's not too bad.
  But I live in a vacation spot. Rich guys comes out here to boat, and jet ski, and water ski and gamble, and they walk around with no shirt on, and toned abs, and... they're hot. I mean yes, I am the kind of girl who never really cares about looks one way or another, but these dudes make my superficial side howl like a wolf on the prowl.
  And then theres me... Im short, and Im overweight, and I've been told Im cute in my own endearing way- but... there's nothing about me that will make a guy how besides my breasts- and those breasts come with wide hips, a huge ass, and tree trunk thighs. I have draw backs in all the wrong places. So even if I wanted to flirt and tease and be a little bitch to these hunky rich snobby pricks- I couldnt... it's really a sad revelation.
  But I've also decided Im going on massive diet, and losing weight and kicking ass, and turning myself into something that will make the guys howl. I wanna give boys blue balls! It's not fair Karen has all the fun! :P
 

  You know what I want? I want to get shit faced... with someone other then my mom, I want a guy who will carry me so I wont ruin  my monkey slippers, and I want a guy who CAN carry me, without breaking his fucking back. I want random memories of crazyness AND I WANT TO GIVE BOYS BLUE BALLS!

*Sigh* Sorry that was really fucking random... and that is why I so totally rock, bow down and kiss my feet. ^_^

  Alright Im going. Goodnight you stalkerish psychos.
 
 
 

Your scent in the morning

Teases

Like the tantalizing flavor

Of your ripe strawberry kisses

Hazy eyes that watch me

With lazy interest

Yes, I love how they

Follow my every move

But when your hands slide

Like soothing water of my body

Caressing every muscle

Touching every spot...

It makes my nerve endings twitch

In anticipation

Your eyes dark with desire

And your kisses

They make me want more

I drive myself into insanity

Teasing touches and soft sounds

The growl vibrating through your throat

The purr rolling off my tongue

Panting kisses and whimpering grunts

Nails raked down heated skin

The impulse too strong

Impulse to move

To become more then what we are

To become each other

Sink through my skin to my very being

Dip into my soul and bathe yourself in my hopes

While I shower in your dreams

Filling myself with the echo of your forgotten memories

This need to become one

Reverberates off the walls

And back into my heart

Vibrating within your last cries for sanity

Before it's all gone

And once again you are you

And I am I

But for that one moment

Our souls touched

  SO my mom gave me her stupid cold- which no one can understand because I just got off of these super power pills that the doc gave me like... a week ago.

  Then my dad asked me if I did anything with Cody- that could maybe be the reason Ive been sick pretty much non-stop since he left. So I had to be honest and tell my dad- next thing I know Im up for STD tests and all this shit, and worrying and shit- and then Im talking to Karen about Steph and she tells me he had HPV after him telling me he was clean, like fuuuuuck

  So I talk to my doctor, who doesnt think I could get HPV since we didnt actually have sex- but then shes got me down for every blood screening, and the papsmears and all the stuff that comes with finding out if one is clean...


  And Im trying not to stress because if I do have something Im going to have to move out. So Im a little wigged out as it is. Plus my period is coming so Im hormonal, and bitchy and mean as hell. Cause that is just the way i roll.

  So now if you'll excuse me- I am going to go grow a brain. :)

Memo to self. Never. Have. Sex. Of. Any. Kind. Again.
 

I know it sounds weird, but I truly love clean towels. The scent and the feel of them, especially after you bring them in from outside and they are all warm (or rather very hot in AZ) and they smell so good and you just wanna hug them cause they feel all fluffy. Yep, I am a weird clean towel lover.

  Yesterday was a drama fest of monumental porportions.

  I went through the early day in an ok mood- Will sent me an email because I had written to him asking him what his issue was with me- since Cody had told me it was Will and Jessica's plan for him to start dating... Kellie *Ugh*

  Will and I talked out our own issues and decided to put the bullshit with the phone and the past behind us. Aren't we mature? And then we started talking about Cody. Cody lied to me- Jessica had meerly made a joke about them going out- and Cody jumped on it. Not only that but he set up his first date with her within 20 minutes of telling me he wanted to break up.
  I got a little upset, and was ranting at Will, about males and how they lie and how they can turn around and do things without warning and then I reached for the last straw I had...

Ash says:
What am I supposed to believe Will? He's... Does he kiss her alot? Hold her hand? Put his arm around her? Does he watch her intently when she walks across the room?
William says:
...
Ash says:
*Sigh*
Ash says:
Yeah....
William says:
I've noticed a few of those things...
Ash says:
Has he slept with her yet?
William says:
Now I'm pissed>.<
William says:
...

Later we had a phone conversation, followed by another im conversation, and once again I asked him.

Ash says:
Will... do you know if he slept with her or not?
William says:
O.o
Ash says:
Im going to ask him- but... I dont know if he'd even tell me the truth
William says:
I'm not one to say things to hurt people....but yes i can verify it quite well
Ash says:
He did sleep with her?
William says:
...
William says:
yes...
William says:
more than once

  Then another phone conversation- since Cody had told me his cell phone was shut off the night before because he couldnt pay the bill because he was helping Jess with her bill or some such garbage that was a lie so that he wouldnt have to call me.
  Will told me it was a lie- so I called his cell phone to verify- and Will answered it. Then Will and Jessica both proceeded to tell me the truth of things. Like him jumping on the idea of dating her- and apparently he had liked this idea while we were dating since- as I said, only 20 minutes after breaking it off. They took a shower together within like the first day- and slept together that night, Cody told me himself when I attempted to verbally kill him.
  I think at one point I yelled at him about his disregaurd for my own feelings, because if you truly did love someone and want someone- would YOU honestly go and stick your dick in some other girl you dont even know after less then a month of taking a girls virginity who you CLAIM you love and cherish and respect and want and need and a thousand other things?
  Theres no fucking love there.
  So there was a lot of me yelling and Cody not saying much. For a while there he reminded me of Stephan... unable to give a straight answer- Yes No anything? Fuck all I get is weak excuses about him trying to fix himself so I pinned his ass down on the phone.
  He said he broke up with me because he couldnt take the fact that he couldnt physically be with me. The distance was killig him in other words, and since I had broken up with him because he wanted to drop everything in his life and move out here for me- he was scared of saying anything about wanting to move out here- and so that put a lot of strain on it. And thats why he dumped me.
  He said he got with Kellie just as a... I dont know, "It just happened" I think it just happened because maybe he was trying to distract himself- or maybe he was just horny.
  I had it from Will and Cody both that neither one of them think Kellie is attractive... which just confuses me, but then it also says Cody was desperate... because he didnt even know Kellie really before he asked her out... or before he slept with her.
  "It just happened" is something I cant argue with... because it just happened that we wound up having sex that night... and right now Im really regretting it, but considering neither of us had an orgasm, I am reclaiming my virginity... its mine... Cody can go fuck himself... or Kellie... whatever.
 
  Well I came to grips with things last night- Cody and I werent dating when he did officially get with Kellie- and if he wanted to sleep with her on the first date- then who am I to judge? and if he wanted to lie to me about it and and be a royal prick- then thats his decision.
  And I know in a week Ill cool down and Ill get over it, and we'll be talking again, as friends, and Ill just swallow my pride and my annoyances.
  So I told him lets skip it all, just fuck everything and deal with it as friends.

  Will asked me this morning how my talk with him went last night- and I told him, and apparently it had some more lies in it on Codys part. Hes still lying... and about stupid shit.

 
  I think it's funny in a way, Stephan lied about Karen. Ryan lied about Kimmie, and Cody is lying about Kellie. Notice that all these girls names start with K?


  I also told my mom its kind of sad. Here Cody was supposed to be better then all the rest of the dick heads- and here he's the worst. Worse even then Stephan- cause as I told mom- Least with Stephan I knew I was gonna get fucked over. With Cody... not only was it unexpected in everyway, but it fucking hurt a thousand fold.


  Meh I dont know, its all a bunch of he said she said bullshit, and really none of it makes any fuckin sense. Im ready to go back to bed but i got dishes to do and towels to sniff- so goodbye.

 
...

  I went to bed early, but I couldnt flippin sleep so I wound up getting up and pacing and puttering till about 3am...

  When I did go to sleep I had a dream about Karen and Stephan... Karen came to see me cause there was some event in town she wanted to go to, and Stephan was going to the same event or something, and anyway it was all very confusing, all I know is at one point, I was in a resteraunt walking around trying to find Karen cause she disappeared and Stephan showed up, and we started arguing and I was wearing heels, and heels make me cranky anyway, evidently even in dreams, but he said something really fucking smart assed and I took my shoe off and threw it at his head...
 
  I think it goes back to what Ana asked me about second chances, because in the dream he looked at me, and he looked so heart broken and he asked me if I would ever give him a second chance, and I just stood there staring at him, wondering where the hell Karen went....

  And then Maxx woke me up.

And when I opened my eyes the first thing I saw was Cody's watch and his picture behind it.....

  Will there ever be a time when I dont feel beyond fucked?